Mental health expert, Susan Shafer, brings 5 easy steps to set up each season for a healthy mindset & inner peace

Hello, and good morning. This is Chelsea Walsh for Oui Talk Raw at rBeatz Radio and today, I’m in the calming presence of spring. Spring has sprung on this Tuesday and we’re gonna talk about the transition from hibernation to growth and all things mental health. Today, I’m so honored to have a guest, Susan Shafer, who is a mental health counselor and then our intuit, Jen Busco. Thank you guys so much for coming.

Thank you for having me.

Okay, so I’m just gonna read it out. How do we enter spring with more inner kindness, targeting those who have fallen short of their new year’s goals? So for me, I’m gonna put myself out there. I love a new year, I love setting new goals. I love setting like, I’m never gonna do this. I’m gonna do this. And you draw the line in the sand and then you realize, okay, well now it’s March or February or even at the end of January. And I realize, “oh my gosh, I have actually not done what I said I was gonna do.”  And then I’m like, you know what? I’m gonna kick the bag and just like throw in the towel. Who cares? It’s like, you know, all of it. So when I was talking with Susan on the phone, she was like, you know, let’s like realign our goals here. Spring is a great time to start doing that. So I think that’s why I wanna have this discussion. Susan, do you wanna add in anything?

I mean, first of all, it’s so normal for us to do that in the beginning of the year to kind of go in with all this motivation, but what we know is motivation doesn’t always last.  And if we think about spring and just what it represents, it represents newness, rebirth, growing, and I think sometimes spring is the time of year to get our goals started. You know, winter, we’re hybrid. we’re thinking more, we’re planning, we’re reading and then spring comes and there’s all this evidence around us that it’s a new time of year that things are growing, things are starting, things are beginning. So I think for us to recognize that maybe nature is trying to teach us and show us every day to walk at your pace, to start this, maybe even around this time of year, instead of just saying, oh crap, I just blew this one, I’ll just wait ’til next year.

I actually really like that idea. And I think maybe next year I’ll start my image board or my goals on the first day of spring. I think that’s actually a really good idea, Jen. What do you think?

I think that’s a great idea. And I think, springs about rebirth and new things, like being born and happening and being out in the world more, being more active and all of those things. And so for me, I think it’s really about tuning inward to check in with the relationship that you have to yourself because that’s gonna reflect in how you show up in the world when there’s more things to do, maybe new relationships that are happening, social outings, gatherings. gatherings, patios.

Yeah, patios, absolutely. Okay, so there are five things that we had maybe discussed. Susan brought to my attention, the five broad areas of wellness. We have actually a slide to present the five things. Do you wanna highlight them?

Yeah, so five broad areas that, you know, people just aren’t feeling like themselves or if they realize they need some shifting going on in their life. So five broad areas we talk about are exercise or movement. I like to say movement often because I think some of the things when people think exercise, they think of this big commitment they have to make. And exercise is important, absolutely, we need it. But we also need to be aware of our movement throughout the day. So we can kind of dive into that a little bit more.

Don’t you guys love this? I have to it call out. So, I picked this dress and I’m in a green screen. (laughs) It’s the first time I’ve seen it, but these are green parts to my dress. So yes, I am aware. It’s also, you know, we could say like, this is a little philosophical, like I am pieces of me that are coming together for spring. I guess, anyways, I did it, I did it on purpose. That’s all that matters.  Okay, so going back to the five broad areas, the one that we started with, or that I wrote up was sleep. Let’s start with sleep. Ooh, Susan, Jen, do we get enough of it?

Oh my gosh, insomnia is the worst. It will totally set the stage for my day if I do not sleep well. I feel that, yes.

Yeah, yeah, so tell me, like, obviously we know the benefits of sleep, but elaborate.

So, you know, it’s all about adequate sleep. So, and oftentimes when people talk about sleep, they talk about not getting enough sleep, but sometimes people get too much sleep. So really what we wanna observe is adequate sleep, and also the quality of your sleep. Some steps that I talk with clients is treating your sleep every night the same way you would with any routine or regimen. So having a nighttime routine. You know, in the mornings we sometimes have our automatic habits that we do.

We get up, we relieve ourselves, we brush our teeth, we freshen up, brush our hair. Are we doing the same thing at night? You know are you going to bed with that same kind of regimen? Preparing your mind and body, sending it messages that it is time to rest now. We are going to decompress, turn off the phone, maybe put on some calming music if that’s your thing, adjusting the lighting, wearing comfortable pajamas, tune into the senses. What are the things that you can touch, that you can see or not see, that you can feel that really gives you a sense of rest and calm?

I have never felt thought about a nighttime routine. Now I think I automatically have sort of one, but that is so smart. When you say, you know, my morning routine is, you wake up, you go to the bathroom, you brush your teeth, put your contacts in. It’s like, it’s so simple and I think that’s such a tangible step that us, like we can all use and take. I love that. What about you?

I have a little tip for insomnia. If anybody’s listening out there. So what I’ve been taught is we enter and exit sleep through the root chakra, which is from the hips down. So the root chakra governs, you know, your shelter, your job, your childhood. So when you have a roof over your head and clothes on your body and you feel really safe in your life physically, your root chakras, really strong and powerful. But what people tend to do when they have insomnia is wake up and meditate. And that’s the exact opposite of that. of what you should be doing because the meditation is the crown chakra. And so you’re sort of pulling all of your energy up which is gonna make it harder to fall asleep. So I think that’s a little bit of a myth to meditate just a little on your thoughts. So the best way to sort of try to fall back asleep if you’re having that restless night is to think really healthy root chakra thoughts. I’m so grateful that I have a roof over my head. Wow, that’s so amazing that I have pipes in my wall and all that water. is running through. I’m so grateful for my job. I’m grateful for my family. I’m grateful for the healing that I’m doing in my childhood. So, thinking really healthy root chakra thoughts is supposed to be a great way to help you fall back asleep.

That is really, really good.

It makes sense though, right? So people want to jump up here and that’s the opposite of what your energy wants to do.

And when you think in the mind when you’re shifting into that gratitude you’re also bringing in a sense of ease and yeah peace right so a lot of times when people suffer from insomnia I think we’ve all been there I know I have.  You can feel very dysregulated in your nervous system. I remember when I would struggle with sleep and I would just be counting down, “oh my god I have to be up in an hour. And it’s almost like all this nervous energy gets up and I was more focused on just trying to fall asleep and trying to get rest instead of maybe shifting my thoughts or energy into something more calming that sat true for me. I think the point is to identify with things that really are true to you.

And I think as even being a healer, I can control my mind and calm myself down in my waking hours because I’m trained in that, right? Something happens when I’m sleeping and I wake up at four in the morning, it’s like all the fears and all the stress. It’s harder to conquer in my opinion. I don’t know if y ‘all agree with that. But for me, it’s a little harder to conquer and to control when I wake up at that midnight hour.

You know what I have noticed in the last, I guess year or so, if I wake up in the middle of the night, which I typically have to go to the bathroom at some point or another, if I look at the clock, I used to, I mean, I’ve always looked at the clock, it’s like instinct, what time is it, how much sleep do I have? I’ve stopped looking at the clock, like when I get up, because if I wake up and it’s 3:15, I’m like, oh, I gotta get up in two hours. So then I’m like, okay, I’m literally, it’s 120 minutes. And then I’m like, it’s not like 15. W

e’re the best mathematicians at that time of night, we know math so well. (Laughing)

And I’m like, if I just, don’t look at the clock, I don’t know what time of, you know, what time of night it is and then I’m not anxious about, okay, I have this many more minutes, this many more minutes. So that’s something that I found useful. So I think breaking it down, what Susan had said is creating a nighttime pattern that kind of sets your body into that motion, just like we have a morning routine or a work routine or a driving routine, whatever it be. Start a nighttime routine. And then Jen, you mentioned a great point about the third chakra.

First.

First, oh my gosh.

Close enough.

How many chakras are there?

(7) Third’s great too. That’s the chakra I’m always trying to do for you. We enter and exit through the first, which is like tribal shelter. So, any healthy thoughts relating to those simplistic simplistic human needs can help you enter or exit.

Yes, exactly. So first chakra, and then for me, just don’t look at the clock, just go back to sleep.  All right, let’s queue up the second area in which we can improve our overall one list for the spring. Nutrition, we all know it so well. Let’s unpack it guys. What about nutrition is good? I mean, I can probably gauge and guess, but you are–

I think we hear this a lot. And you know, I love spring and I love spring foods. And again, if we look at nature and the colors that we see, you know, the grass is greener, the trees are greener. And so it’s like those leafy greens, you know, eating those wholesome, vibrant, healthy foods. The biggest thing about mental health and any time of the year really is really, if you’re noticing within yourself a shift in your moods, start with what you’re putting in your body. Are you eating nutritious foods? I’m not gonna say don’t eat sugar, don’t eat this, but let’s first shift over to, are you getting enough protein? Are you eating nutritious fibrous vegetables? Are you eating some certain fresh fruits? Are you drinking enough water? Are you hydrating your brain? We’re not just hydrating our body when we drink, we’re actually hydrating our brain as well. So I think a lot of times when people think about nutrition, they automatically start thinking of what they have to eliminate, and it can just kind of be this, “crap, I don’t wanna do that,” and there’s a resistance there. But maybe start considering… what can I bring into my life that will give me a little bit more energy or feeling a little bit more vibrant and thinking about what maybe even matches the season? Spring there’s a lot of colors, colorful fruits, colorful vegetables, that sort of thing. Just keeping it simple, I think.

I love that. What about you, Jen?

I love Diet Pepsi, so I’m the worst person to talk about nutrition.

I’m actually drinking a diet lemonade from Chick -fil -A, so I’m not much better, but I do love–

I think it’s about balance. I definitely am not a restrictive kind of girl all the way, so I might drink a diet Pepsi a day, but then I’ll also eat a spinach salad, instead of balance it out. So I’m sort of under that story of you’re human, enjoy it, but just be mindful of what you’re doing and try to balance it out.

I think that’s great advice. Eating of the seasons, what spring leafy vegetables, leafy greens balance. So, I’m a very all or nothing girl. And so I lack the balance. So I think taking a page out of your book, Jen, and having my diet lemonade and then having a spinach salad or something like that.

Feeding your mood, feeding your mind, instead of maybe feeding your mind. cravings or feeding your stress. So I think that’s something that’s helped along the way. And in a very compassionate way too. I think sometimes we get into this voice of shaming and voice of like criticism. But if you can be curious about maybe, why do I want to eat this? Why do I want to drink this alcohol right now? Why do I want to eat all this sugar right now? What is it about me right now that’s happening within my life? I’ll still eat the cookie ’cause I want the sweet, but what’s happening within me right now that’s making me eat something that I really know I don’t truly need right now or even want? I’m just having it because I’m feeling a certain way. So I think sometimes when we explore compassionately without criticizing or shaming ourselves, it can help us to be a little more curious about what to bring into our life that can add to our overall health.

I also think going back to the idea of really strengthening that relationship to yourself, just tuning into your body and listening to when you feel full, what feels right, what feels good, what am I feeling today? I’m really listening to that, like sometimes I skip breakfast and sometimes I don’t. So it’s like, I always tell my kid, Oliver, like, you know, listen to your body, just stop when you’re full. You don’t have to keep going because it’s on your plate. You don’t have to eat dinner at a certain time if you’re not hungry. So it’s really tuning into like your own rhythms and having compassion for yourself.

The body is always talking.

Exactly, but then also, you know, with the cravings and the sweets, sometimes we’re trying to fill an emotional void, which you know by eating foods, sometimes I’ll ask myself, like if I keep wanting handfuls of barbecue chips and dip, I just might go, “okay, what am I trying, what void am I trying to fill right now? What emotion am I trying to numb with this?”

Curious and compassionate. I think that’s a big takeaway. Coming from a place of love and not criticism. I think we’re all very critical. So, great advice. So the third broad area is going to be movement.

Let’s talk a little bit about it.

Yeah, so moving more equals less stress. I would say start with what do you do most of the day and can you do the opposite of that? So for example, if you are working and you’re sitting all day, can you walk more? Can you get more steps in? If you’re sitting all day, can you do the opposite of that? that’s on your feet all day, maybe you are in healthcare or you’re a server or you’re in a profession where you’re on your feet all day and you’re like, “I don’t need to walk anymore.” Maybe your movement is doing something like a slow -flow yoga. Maybe your movement is more strength training since you’re walking quite a bit. If you’re somebody that’s doing already a lot of lifting, maybe you have a physically demanding job where you’re lifting a lot of things. And you’re like, I get enough movement during my day. Maybe your movement is doing something more like Tai Chi or something that’s a little more meditative where you are connecting your mind and body and you’re creating a bit of a different kind of movement.

And so the idea is to do some type of conscious movement, not so much maybe with this focus of, I got to get in shape and get healthy, but as a way of giving my mind and body a chance to connect and to be within myself in a different flow, if that’s making sense.

No, it totally does. I mean both of you guys I want to say are yoga instructors. I mean you know movement.

I think sometimes the thought of working out or movement is worse than actually doing it. So for me what I find is just just tell yourself, I’m gonna go for a five minute walk or 10. And nine times out of 10, you end up going further and further because you’re waking up, you’re out and if you’re outside, you’re out in nature and you’re seeing the trees and the people and the animals or whatever is out in the world to me, that really wakes me up and it just keeps me going. So my advice would be just start small, sort of like what you’re saying and you’d be surprised how that sort of builds the momentum to keep moving.

I was on a walk the other day on the Greenway going to Freedom Park, if anyone’s here from Charlotte. There was probably, 12 turtles sitting on this like log as I was passing the river and I was like, this is so cute. It’s just, it does wake me up. I always look for the four leaf clovers because things are starting to sprout. And just like seeing all the people out, it makes me more vibrant because I’m like, gosh, like the city’s coming alive. It’s a beautiful thing and the nature’s coming alive. And it’s just, so anyways, I think getting outside, especially this time of year in spring, getting the movement out there would be my advice.

And I mean, energetically, it raises your vibration. You just said vibrant, like the vibe. It raises your vibe. It clears your energy and when I’m running, that is when I get the most intuitive hits and ideas. I will be running down like Randolph Road and you’re gonna be in Charlotte and I will have to stop and put an idea in my notepad, whether it’s for a post or for something that I’m working on. Because it’s like my energy is so much more open and clear and I just love nature. So to me, that’s just, you look at the sky, you look at the sky. the trees, you feel connected to all of it, you see 12 turtles, maybe you Google the number 12 and see what angel number that is, right? What is the universe trying to talk to you about? So to me, it just, it really helps me feel connected and I feel like I’m a more of a channel to bigger things.

I think it makes so much sense too and I love that you’re sharing that. I’m a walker, good for you for jogging and running. We’re actually moving our body in a bilateral equal way. And so now our brain is going into that kind of shifting where it’s, yeah, and I’m the same way when I’m walking, I get, oh, I gotta, oh, I could do this, I could do that. Ideas kind of seem to come in those moments.

That kind of brings us to the fourth point here of the broad wellness areas is cognitive intellect. And you were talking about bilateral as well as you’re walking, tell me a little bit about cognitive intellect, can you unpack that for me?

Yeah, so basically what we’re talking about here is giving yourself an opportunity to challenge your mind, to do something different, to really be focused in on an activity. So for example, I know a lot of people talk about like doing word games, jigsaw puzzles, things like that, but what about really… really diving into an activity that maybe you always wanted to do that you’ve never done before? Like for example, this past winter, my goal for myself was I have to do something to get out of the house. I found a belly dancing class at the pork’s department. I can tell you, every week I went to that class and for 50 minutes, I did not think of anything else except what we were doing in that class because I didn’t think of anything else because I’d never done belly dancing before. I had no idea what I was doing. My body was moving differently. So it was just a really great way to kind of fire up those neurons in our brain, or my brain for that, and open up pathways. And that’s really what we’re doing when we’re doing something new and different that may be a little challenging for us to learn. We’re creating new pathways in the mind and firing up our neurons. That really gives us a sense of, a feeling of accomplishment, confidence.

You know what I love about that example that you said is when I think of cognitive intellect, I’m like, well, so I must be a student and I must go read this book on philosophy and, you know, I think big. And you brought it down to something so tangible. Like, I can go do belly dancing. class or, you know, I thought about learning a new language too. Like that might be a little harder than belly dancing, but you know what I mean? Like I think I immediately go like big and then I’m like, well, that’s never gonna happen. I’m not gonna do that. But I think something tangible like belly dancing.

Anything creative, pick up an instrument, paint by numbers, you know? Anything that is different than what you’re norm is that maybe you always wanted to explore.

Yeah, for me, I’m not sure if this is related perfectly, but walking through fears is a really big way to juggle up my brain. Yeah, other than the dentist, I love walking through love in quotes, I love the way I feel after I’ve walked through that fear. To me, that is just starting a new thing. There’s always a little bit of fear when you’re starting something new. new, right? Whether it’s a small fear or a larger one. So that is really where I see my growth and my evolution.

It’s like stepping outside the box. You know, if you’re always kind of in this box of life and we do things, I mean, consistency is great for a lot of reasons, but then, you know, if we’re really talking about opening up our pathways and trying something new, maybe giving yourself that idea of stepping outside the box, stepping outside your norm.

I love that. Now, to complete the pie of this five broad areas, we are gonna bring in healthy, positive relationships.

We’re pretty much social creatures by nature and I know some introverts are probably out there going “no!” but positive social interactions doesn’t necessarily have to be a group of people but maybe you have one or two individuals that you feel like you can really trust and connect with. When we are connecting with people around us like that help us or just accept us for who we are and we accept them, there’s not a lot of drama or talks of negativity but maybe there’s a little bit more empowerment and encouragement, support. But what we’re doing is we also, when we’re connecting with other people or we’re interacting socially, we’re also feeling a sense of purposefulness when we do that. And there is a release of oxytocin in the brain. So a hormone is released when we interact with others that helps us to actually feel a little more calm than anxious once we are in those comfortable, safe, positive settings with other people.

I think what you’re saying is spot -on in that you know the term emotional safety right, it’s really important within relationships but I think that you draw in what you are. So, going back to what I was saying earlier, if you are feeling safe in yourself, you’re gonna draw in other people that want to connect on that level. So, I think it’s really important to just be self -aware. about your own inner work, and I think that you’re gonna draw in the right people, and then really knowing when you recharge. So do I need to be an introvert today? and is that how I’m gonna recharge? Do I wanna go out in nature and talk to strangers on the street, and that’s gonna help me recharge? I think it’s really about knowing yourself and just trying to make sure that sort of your side of the street is clean, meaning like you’re doing your own internal work. And then the other piece of this, what I love is the kind of of energy amplification. Have you all heard of that?

No, break it down.

Let’s just say, for mathematical reasons, you have five pints of energy, five units, and I have five units of energy and we meet, I see you at Harris Teeter, and we have a heartfelt connection. So, your heart to my heart. So not ego to heart or ego to ego, but that sort of heartfelt, true authentic connection. When you walk away, you might have, 25 units of energy. And then I walk away with 25 units of energy. So that sense of connecting, like you were saying, Susan, that relating, we’re relational beings, you actually amplify your energy. And so you’re more energized when you have that heartfelt connection, which I think is fantastic. And we all hung out last week, right? I walked away feeling energized. Amplified, yeah.

That’s a good gauge too, to really be honest with yourself when you’re leaving a social setting or friends. How was your experience?

No, I mean, I have some people that I’ve known in the past who have depleted, right? And I kind of put walls up to protect myself ’cause I just felt like I was drained.

It’s reciprocity, right? You wanna listen when it’s time to listen and then you wanna give when it’s time to give. And I think that goes back, that usually what you know, Susan, can go back to the way people were raised, right? So if someone got attention because they didn’t really receive a lot of love or attention in their childhood, but maybe when they were sick or when they were in need, their mom paid attention to them. And so then you grew up as an adult and you’re sort of recreating that pattern that you need, need, need, and that’s your way of feeling love.

Yeah, I agree. All right, so we’re gonna break it down into the five simple steps. I’m just gonna kind of review. We’ve talked about how to reset our focus. It is spring, things are happening, days are longer. We have more things on our to -do list. There’s more activities, you know, the sun is up longer. There’s so many benefits, but there’s also like, “Oh my gosh, how am I gonna get through this?” How do I reset? We’ve broken it down into five areas, sleep, nutrition, movement, cognitive intellect, and positive, healthy relationships. We are gonna go ahead and take a break. And when we come back, we have a few questions from listeners, and Susan and Jen will go ahead and answer those with their opinions. So tune on in and we’ll be right back.

*break*

Welcome back. Alright guys, we are going to take a few questions from some listeners and we will cue them up on our screen, so I may read them. Number one question. Okay, I am binge eating at night. How can I better my relationship with food?

Well, going back to what we mentioned before, if you don’t mind me stepping in, is being curious, pausing for a minute. So instead of, you know, I think an automatic thought in those moments might be to criticize and to shame. Why am I doing this? I did it again. I can’t believe I’m doing this. What’s wrong with me? But maybe start to shift into, okay, why am I wanting to eat this? Can I pause for a minute and breathe? I’ll still have some, like we’re not asking you to change the behavior right away, but maybe be curious as to what’s going on within your mind and body for having this behavior ’cause it’s essentially what’s happening. Something’s happening within your thoughts, within your feelings, and now you’re acting out in this behavior. Can you get a little more curious about what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, as to why you’re doing this behavior? So stepping back for a moment to compassionately evaluate, to be curious, and to really come from that space of connectedness. Almost like you would, I tell clients sometimes, talk to yourself like you would talk to a puppy. Talk to yourself like you would talk to a toddler.

Interesting, I like that, curiosity.

And I agree with everything you’re saying, and I think sometimes when we’re in that place of binge eating, it’s almost like an odd -of -body thing. – Yeah. you’re not really conscious too, so maybe even to add on to that to just do like a little present moment breath, and just get into your body, like, okay, feel your fingers, feel your toes, and then ask yourself, like you’re saying, Susan, like, what am I feeling, or what happened today? Like, how was my day? Oh, I’m feeling a lot of stress because of this. So breathe into that, and then maybe the cravings for the binge eating will be a little bit quieter.

Feet on the ground, feet on the ground. Like, if you’re sitting or standing, pressure feet on the ground. One of my favorite ways to ground and to get into my body is imagine that you’re going five miles down and five miles wide into the earth. So you’re getting in your body and then you’re like, you can really feel that whoosh energy. Yeah, it really helps me anchor and connect.

And I just want to throw in something else for you that sometimes the following day. day is also a good time to pause and self -evaluate. And again, not coming from that place of shame, but honestly with compassion, looking back at the day and saying, okay, I did it again. This is what I did last night. Can I explore within myself? What, why did that happen? What was going on? And again, almost as if you were talking to a child. What happened to your day at school? Why did you… you, you know, why did you get in trouble? You know, we’re not gonna go to a young preschooler and be like, what’s wrong with you? Oh my God, I can’t believe you did that.

I think the biggest take home with that is coming from a place of love and affirmation, being kind to yourself, right? I love these answers, guys.  Okay, let’s take another question here. (bell rings) Gratitude is my tether back to the light. What are the things that you are continually grateful for? Why don’t you guys name a couple that you’re grateful for?

Health. I was complaining to a friend, I caught myself. You know, you catch yourself over texting, I’m like, whoa, the universe hates me over something. And I’m like, you know what, but I’m healthy. Like I caught myself and just sort of got back, you know, got back on that gratitude highway. ‘Cause that’s really easy to get off the ramp of complaining, you know what I mean? So yeah, for me, I would say my health.

That’s wonderful, what about you, Susan?

Absolutely, health and family and friends. The supportive network around me is, I just have really great people in my life, you guys included, but I think that that is definitely something I am extremely grateful for.

I love that, yeah. I think for me, it would be growth. I think I’ve really grown in the last, I don’t know, decade, really, but like a lot of exponential growth in the last two or three years. I don’t know where it’s coming from, but I think I’m just coming into my own strength and recognizing that. And so I’m really grateful for, I guess the insight on my own. It sounds kind of selfish, but anyways, it’s something I’m grateful for. All right, next question. What is your definition of success?

That’s a good question. Goodness. So I think that this answer is individual. Everybody is different and they have a different definition. My definition for success, honestly, would be being, know I’m walking in my truth, and know that I’m walking in an authentic way. That I am treating myself with the love and kindness that I didn’t always at one point in my life, but I’ve learned to over time. And to me, I think that is really what success is about.

Yeah, I love that. Jen?

I would say for me, having some sort of purpose being thread into your life. So not meaning that this is, you know, I’m an artist, you know, I paint and that’s my purpose and that’s what I love to do. And you don’t necessarily do it for a living, but just having some sort of sense of purpose that brings you joy being thread through your life to me is successful. And I think that word abundance, of course, people are like, oh, you need to be wealthy. But I think having an abundant, like if you want an abundance of community, if you want an abundance of relationships, abundance of health… I think it’s just like really drawing in the things that you are wanting to attract in a really peaceful and graceful way.

I love that. Great answers, guys. All right, next question. (bell rings) Brene Brown talks about the difference between knowing and practicing. I noticed that when I start to feel worse, it’s because I’m relying on my knowing instead of my practicing. Why do you think it’s so easy for us to slip? And do you have any experience with this?

I’m assuming they’re talking about maybe a behavior, right? Or I start to feel worse because I’m relying on knowing instead of my practicing, I would say that sometimes I think that we try to, we shorten our timeframe or expectation as to when we should be doing something or creating something, a habit into a lifestyle. So for example, there’s this saying “it takes 21 days to make or break a habit”, which is true to a point, however it takes six to 12 months to make it a lifestyle. And so are we giving ourselves really enough time to create this life and these habits into a lifestyle that we’re really envisioning for ourselves? And so I think sometimes when we fall short or we fall back on doing our practices that we rely on thinking about it too much or… going back to the information instead of maybe just continuing forward.

Spot on, of course. But I think it is about going back to that idea of the relationship to yourself. So if you’re like, I’m gonna start running 10 miles a day tomorrow, but you wake up and you’re just not feeling it. You know, I was low energy all day yesterday. I don’t know why. So that would not be the day that I would go out and try to kill it at life and make all these connections and get out in the community. I know myself well enough. First of all, this too shall pass, right? So I knew it wouldn’t stay forever, just feeling low, but that’s not the day for me to go and try to, you know, to play an open mic or something that’s, you know, more extroverted. And so I think it’s really about knowing yourself on when you do start these practices and when it works for you.

And I think when we’re starting new practices, if we think about what’s really going on in the mind when that happens is that we’re really creating new pathways. And so a lot of times we have habits or a lifestyle and it’s almost like having a cement sidewalk, like that’s a pathway, it’s very well laid out. Now we’re trying to change from this lifestyle or habit. and instead of going down this smooth paved sidewalk, which is really easy to find, we’re now walking through a jungle and we’re having to really create a new pathway. So, sometimes when we start that path it’s like grabbing a machete and trying to hack down some of the trees and plants so we can kind of see a trail. Then we go back to that trail the next day and it’s like oh okay I don’t need the machete now but I kind of need to mow down the grass. I need to make a clearer path. And what’s happening in our brain is that same thing. When we’re starting a new behavior, we’re trying to adjust some things that we’re doing in our life, we’re creating a new pathway. And I think sometimes with people they get, we’re so used to that easy, paved sidewalk. We start to use the machete, we start to hack down things. And then it’s just, it’s not happening as easy. It’s not happening as naturally and that’s because we have to kind of mow the grass then. We have to walk that trail. We have to refine it. Yeah, we have to really kind of lay out a new pathway in our mind so that it becomes a little more automatic within ourselves and that’s why it takes, it takes time. Give yourself time.

Do we have any more questions? (bell dings) Yes, we do. Inner work can be heavy. What are some ways to keep yourself light and fun?

Belly dancing! (laughing)

I think inner work is interesting because it’s not all rainbows and butterflies, right? Like sometimes you have to feel it to heal it. it. And so if you’re doing inner work and you’re releasing a childhood, you know, uncomfortable emotion, sometimes you have to sit in that emotion for days or weeks or it comes in waves. So, I think again, it’s really being with yourself. And so for me, yesterday I was low. Maybe I was releasing some old childhood frustration. I think that was what I was feeling the most is frustration, which is one of my childhood sort of wounds or really commonly felt emotion.  And so understanding that being with it, when it comes up, whatever you’re working on, and then celebrating it when it’s not. So today I’m feeling better. So maybe I’m gonna go for a four mile run in nature or have coffee with a friend. I think it’s really just being with yourself and really honoring that. Taking advantage of whatever you’re feeling in that moment.

Yeah, we don’t have to be serious all the time. It’s okay to have fun. It’s okay to not be perfect and to get it all right all the time, and to be okay with that, lighten up with yourself.

Lighten up, it’s spring, go bounce around like a bunny!

But also, doing that inner work, it’s never gonna hurt you. The more inner work you do, the better you’re gonna feel about yourself, so you’re gonna draw in better relationships. And I think that’s sort of the moral of this show, right, as we’re stepping into it. a new season where we’re gonna be more out outward, right? And so you really wanna have a good relationship to yourself, healthy relationship to yourself. So you can bring on the spring and really healthy relationships and connections and maybe opportunities and new beginnings.

And just like spring, you know, in nature, we don’t see this gradual transition from cold to warm. We see cold, chilly, and then, oh, it’s warm, and then back to cold, and then it’s raining. It’s a gradual transition. And I think we are like that in some ways. We might be really on it one day, and then the next day not. And, but if you’re authentic with yourself, and true to yourself, and kind to yourself, I think that’s the biggest thing, is, really approaching yourself with compassion.

It’s not straight up the mountain. It’s kind of like, take a left, hang on a rock, sit there, and then go up, take a right. It’s a little jagged, sometimes it’s smoother, but I think it’s important to understand that. Sometimes we take a break.

I love this, guys. I hope this helped some of viewers out there. It definitely helped me. How to spring into spring in spring. How to go with your best foot forward.  We have five simple, tangible tasks, sleep, nutrition, movement, cognitive intellect, and positive, healthy relationships. Thank you to our viewers who sent in those questions. Susan, where can we find you? Tell me, Susan Shafer.

My website is shafer.services. I provide counseling. I’m licensed in New Jersey and North Carolina, virtual therapy for adults. And I also provide coaching, which I can provide nationwide. My Instagram handle is @therapyandtapping. If you’re just interested in little tips and techniques to help you throughout your days, I post a lot of information on there as well.

Wonderful. Well, thank you guys for tuning in to Oui Talk Raw with my guest Susan Shafer and Jen Busco as my co -host. We will see you guys next time. Thank you.